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SCOTLAND OF THE VANDALS: A PHOTO ESSAY FROM AYRSHIRE

Apart from the weather and the Calvinism, one of the dominant forces shaping Scottish architecture and design has been the unrelenting efforts of the younger male demographic to dismantle everything in sight. This trait comes from the time when we hunted mammoths and stripped everything down to the bones, which were then ornately carved in detailed graffiti of phallic symbols, accusations of buggery, girls' telephone numbers (alongside the word "shag"), and cryptic references to someone known only as "Wee Malky."

A "wee shop": unable to afford the services of a full-time security staff, the "wee shop" has evolved to resist the vandal hordes by having no windows or any portal through which urine or lighter fluid can be injected. The only way to destroy the Scottish "wee shop" is a direct hit by a nuclear missile.


Bourtrehill, one of the rougher suburbs of Irvine. Notice the "windaes." These are loosely based on English windows but much smaller in order to help improve the stone throwing ability of Scottish vandals. The wheelie bins are safely stored in underground bunkers otherwise they would certainly be set on fire.


The centre of any Scottish community is the communal CCTV camera. The simple natives venerate it as a kind of god and try to bestow offerings on it by chucking bottles and other interesting pieces of loose rubble into its "holy" cage.

Each Scottish primary school has two sets of shutters, one on the outside of the windows and one on the inside of the windows. The outside shutters are employed when the school is not in use, while the inside shutters are employed when the school is in use.


Scottish Catholic church. The security features also allow particularly devoted members to quickly simulate their own stigmata as they attempt to use the rear entrance.


Nothing is too small for the industriousness of the Scottish vandal, as displayed by this humble leaf-collecting cart with its vandal-resistant wheel coverings made from the same material that protects the space shuttle on its reentry. However, a determined gang of Scottish "weans" or "wee neds" with a cigarette lighter will be able to turn this tough, fire-resistant plastic into a blackened blob within 24 hours.

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